Welcome to depression posting

I know i say i hate being me but sometimes its not being me its just simpley being human. It dosent matter how much i understand it i still can’t control it and it hurts. Over a year ago now maybe two it could even be three im not sure how long but. I stopped feeling excitement. All i could feel was fear instead. something that would make me happy and that i looked forward to suddenly gave me negativity and anxiety to go with it.

Sometimes i wonder if i could actually function around other people. I’m still unsure. I’ve inproved definately but people, all people… I don’t want to know them. I don’t want them to know me and judge me. I don’t want to judge them either. Its like if I was alone then i couldn’t get hurt and neither could they be hurt by me.

And then i look at myself saying stupid things like this and think im mad.

I don’t want to be alone, to rely on anyone to ruin anything. Yet i want company, not much just some close friends. People i could watch grow and feel i made a difference in their lives even just abit. I want nothing but to be taken care of too, I feel like i let myself down alot because of this. I’m always reaching out for help… well i did.

That stopped years ago. I stopped reaching out because no one was reaching in. It was like it didn’t matter who i was or where i was and that the change wouldnt make a difference. I’d still be me, just a ghost.

Then about 2 years ago… i got hurt bad. With that i thought id lost another emotion. Love. Right now ive got it back and its better than ever. Yet i feel i don’t deserve it. That im just going to pull you down or something. I also get scared, scared that i’ll be alone again. I fear i wont be whats right or i’ll tirn out wrong.

I hate this depression. It eats away at me, as if devouring every happy thought or memory (like a dementor). I’m left with soubt. With sorrow. Alone.